Little Litvir mentioned a name today that I have intentionally tried not to think about for a long time. The name was Miisa.

I normally bury most of my thoughts of my young adult years. They were spent making sure Kuta did not kill any more people. Kuta did not mean to kill others, but his powers (Kuta gendered themselves back then) were unstoppable unless I was present to keep him calm. But I had no one to keep me calm.

Miisa helped with that.

When Kuta and I were inducted into the 11th Legion, Miisa was one of the captains working on the Lost Causes section. I nearly ended up there myself, when trying to keep Kuta sane. A feedback loop of negative emotion made me lash out and I found myself with my fangs embedded in someone’s neck. Miisa convinced the General that it was my first offense and that I was not meant for the Lost Causes section quite yet.

Miisa did not have telepathy. She emitted calming pheromones. Unwillingly, most of the time. But she was beautiful. At least to me. Considering how I grew up alongside literal monsters, and was a brutish Ethanric-like with fangs, while everyone else thought Miisa was average at best, I thought she was amazing. And, on top of that, she did not instantly hate me or judge me.

I improved myself because of her. I was promoted to captain because of her. I became a better person. And Miisa saw that improvement and decided she liked me, the same way I liked her. For a brief amount of time in my turbulent youth, I was happy and no longer ashamed. Miisa was more than a friend. She was MY friend.

Until she wasn’t.

…

Kuta killed her.

They didn’t mean it, but they killed her. Alongside half of the rest of the 11th Legion.

With Miisa gone, I reverted to my old Kaldieridos ways. The other half of the 11th Legion, most of them ended up in permanent comas. Those who remained judged me as a monster. I was to blame for what happened. The only person who never saw me as a monster was gone. The worst part is, I do not remember her voice. I barely remember what she looked like.

It did not matter. I was considered a monster. So I became that monster. And everyone went back to instantly hating me and judging me. Even beyond my own death.

I do not blame Kuta. I blame myself for not seeing the signs. I blame myself for not saving her.

…

There is a reason why I keep a lot of my memories buried.