Oh dear.

Well, the good news is that we have found the new Synaisthyn. The bad news is that they are small. Very small. A kid. Well, more of a teenager. Helkas is adorable. Sweet and innocent. And already, Retvik is picking up worrying thoughts. But worse, I think I am having weird, similar thoughts.

What is wrong with me?

That went exactly as badly as I expected.

I am getting concerned and annoyed at Retvik. He has been angry and grumpy. But he has not been taking that anger out on everyone. No, he seems to be taking it out on Ret.

Ret and Retvik have the same birth name. They are both called Retvik Rethianos.

My Retvik is technically Retvik Rethianos the Second, because he’s the second person called Retvik in the Rethianos bloodline. But the Rethianos bloodline, back in our universe, was nearly five thousand years old. Ret is technically Retvik Rethianos the First, because, in his universe, the bloodline traditions hadn’t gone on for as long. But Ret was one of three children, in a bloodline tradition which was only supposed to have two children per generation. He went into exile because of that, and ended up on a completely different path.

My Retvik became a General, waged a war on a god and was a hero and diplomat. Ret was a gladiator. A very good one, but that was mostly it. However, Retvik became a General partly because of his connection to the Rethianos bloodline. Ret on the other hand was actively hindered by the Rethianos bloodline.

The problem is though that Ret is younger, happier and, more importantly, free from the Bloodlines, and became successful in spite of that. Ret is also happily married to my sibling, Kuta, and is considering kids. Despite having been far less successful in his mortal life, despite having been exiled and shunned, despite never having had the fame and power of being a General or even really a captain, despite everything, Ret is happy.

But Retvik is jealous of Ret nonetheless. And the two of them keep on clashing.

The question is, do I intervene when those clashes get physical? I do not know.

The Ventra Gales, a trio of Decay Lords that founded the now extinct Ventra Decay Lord sect, have been hanging around.

I normally do not have an issue with visitors. I have always enjoyed spending time with Thyel. But Kahlos, their normally mute leader, was hurt and had come to us for assistance. That is fine, the Thantir are always happy to help, but Kahlos has… awkward connections to the Justar. And it seems they want him dead.

Arkay, Retvik and I are concerned, but there is not much we can do. We have voiced our concerns to higher ups, so all we can do is make sure Kahlos is safe and, well, just wait and see.

I have two partners. I love them both, but I love them for different reasons.

Retvik is pretty obvious. He was the most desirable Rethan alive when we were mortal and I was somehow given a chance with him. And against all odds, Retvik accepts me as his partner. Probably because he managed to fix me.

Arkay is… complicated. He is a very, very complicated person. He considers himself to be a monster, but he is not. He is a good soul who was forced to serve monsters. But more importantly, he can see the good in other people too.

While Retvik did fix me, I think Arkay allowed me to accept myself.

Little Litvir mentioned a name today that I have intentionally tried not to think about for a long time. The name was Miisa.

I normally bury most of my thoughts of my young adult years. They were spent making sure Kuta did not kill any more people. Kuta did not mean to kill others, but his powers (Kuta gendered themselves back then) were unstoppable unless I was present to keep him calm. But I had no one to keep me calm.

Miisa helped with that.

When Kuta and I were inducted into the 11th Legion, Miisa was one of the captains working on the Lost Causes section. I nearly ended up there myself, when trying to keep Kuta sane. A feedback loop of negative emotion made me lash out and I found myself with my fangs embedded in someone’s neck. Miisa convinced the General that it was my first offense and that I was not meant for the Lost Causes section quite yet.

Miisa did not have telepathy. She emitted calming pheromones. Unwillingly, most of the time. But she was beautiful. At least to me. Considering how I grew up alongside literal monsters, and was a brutish Ethanric-like with fangs, while everyone else thought Miisa was average at best, I thought she was amazing. And, on top of that, she did not instantly hate me or judge me.

I improved myself because of her. I was promoted to captain because of her. I became a better person. And Miisa saw that improvement and decided she liked me, the same way I liked her. For a brief amount of time in my turbulent youth, I was happy and no longer ashamed. Miisa was more than a friend. She was MY friend.

Until she wasn’t.

…

Kuta killed her.

They didn’t mean it, but they killed her. Alongside half of the rest of the 11th Legion.

With Miisa gone, I reverted to my old Kaldieridos ways. The other half of the 11th Legion, most of them ended up in permanent comas. Those who remained judged me as a monster. I was to blame for what happened. The only person who never saw me as a monster was gone. The worst part is, I do not remember her voice. I barely remember what she looked like.

It did not matter. I was considered a monster. So I became that monster. And everyone went back to instantly hating me and judging me. Even beyond my own death.

I do not blame Kuta. I blame myself for not seeing the signs. I blame myself for not saving her.

…

There is a reason why I keep a lot of my memories buried.